I’ve known this all along

It seems like every time I have a powerful realization it is immediately followed by a second: I’ve known this all along.

I am at a point of comfort with my beliefs about the nature of reality, about my life, and about my identity. I know what I believe, I know what I want to do with my life, I know how I want to act, and I know that I want these things to define me. My problem–shared by anyone with serious values, I’m sure–is not knowing what to do or what is right, but straining to be constantly mindful of that knowledge.

Our greatest flaw may be that we forget what is important. We need constant reminders of purpose, else it takes something severe–like a car crash–to shake our memories and redirect us. With daily reminders, we can live purposeful lives. Without them, we simply float along the stream of circumstance and hope for the best. But this is why we pray, why we meditate, why we fast. Whatever it is that we do to feel a sense of grounding.

I have been struggling for years to maintain a steady meditation routine. The months during which I have meditated regularly have been the most focused, the most enjoyable, and the most loving months of my life. And then the habit is broken, and then I forget. “When I move to Chicago,” I told myself, “then I can finally establish a habit of daily practice.” And then I said, “After this first week of getting settled, then I can.” I forgot what I said after that, but three months have passed and I haven’t done it.

And life has been getting more difficult. I have slowly and steadily been losing focus of what is important. I have been losing discipline. I was once a patient man, a forgiving man, a compassionate man. Now I am hasty, spiteful, and insensitive. I have forgotten.

Then comes the double-barreled realization: I need to meditate, and I’ve known this all along. Everything I want is mine when I have a strong daily practice. I’ve been scrambling for three months looking for profane answers to sacred questions, the whole time knowing on some level that I have been wasting my time, that there is nothing to find there. I have become tangled solely in the concerns of the material world, and have thereby begun to lead a meaningless life. And I knew all along that this was happening, but I chose to forget.

Now I choose to remember.

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